Myexpression’s Weblog

he is called Misbah-Ul-Haq… saw him play last night… he almost gave heart attack to one billion countrymen of mine… traditionally i should not be appreciating him… he is from enemy country as they say… but he was there, in that moment which almost made him God… he was like a gladiator who fights till the last drop of blood… his missing did not make him a loser… i think he won it, with his sheer calm, control and focus… he was like a shark….

ode to him who played like this is the last match of his life… who played as if there is no tomorrow…. ode to the grit, the spirit, the sports man….

he was simply “too good”

finally fish was delivered to my friend who was eagerly waiting for her arrival… fish had to see a vet before that… it was her first exposure to the noisy world which turned more noisy on the occasion of ganpati viserjan, ever since we abducted her…

how to carry her out posed a huge question before us… so a bag out of a namawali was designed to fit this ball of fur… it was strange to carry her on my shoulder… she was jumping and meowing all through the way…

all animals hate vets… this was her first visit to one but she hated the vet and the ambiance there… started with protesting, graduated to becoming violent finally she got tired and gave up…

she was nicely perched on my shoulder when we went to my friend’s house… its a fairly big house… fish was a little scared and yet excited to explore a new place… she went into a long hiding session after she was left… my friend’s husband who was not very keen on a cat has been smelling cat shit in the house since then…

but all said and done i felt lonely and empty on reaching home… i wanted to hear fish cry for food and disrupt my sleep and sleep on my chest with her snout buried in me…

i’ve decided to get myself a dog maybe a smaller breed considering space constrains of this city… i’ve thought of name “elephant”..

she has grown bigger than what she was when we got her… is more active and demanding… wants love, food and attention… she hates sleeping people… how can anyone sleep when she is wide awake and active… she is a total nocturnal…  fish loves fish…everyday after work on my way to home i buy two small sardines… she waits for it to get cooked…  after food she is a sight… tummy rounded and divine expression on her face. you can catch her smiling…

i’m a little sad… there is a sense of pain… fish will be moving to her new set of parents… my friends whom i promised her… its a strange soft pain… i feel  her eyes following me… i’ve become so used to her… her tiny furry presence…. but no point in clinging on…

my love will stay with her… love you fish…stay happy… spread happiness…. keep smiling……………….

a little while back i read a bit news; some Islamic fundamentalist group want to kill Madonna and Britney if they do not stop luring men and stop being a whore….

now thats a serious problem; these people it seems have a little retarded mental growth… its a man’s right to get a woman but if a woman decides that she will fuel the market they have a problem with it…. they all want whores but unquestioning ones… the ones who can double up as wives or keeps….

who is a whore?

i’ll suggest that these idiots should go and read a bit of Sadat hasan Manto & get some sense in life….

there are few things which you don’t want to hear ever… they melt into your ears like molten lead…

“i can’t deal with this. i’ve seen enough of it” ….

i was sad when i heard it, the second time in less than a month….

there are ghosts in the past who keep chasing… they never die… they live as long as the body and mind lives….

i can’t say anything…. at times the tiniest of things crack your heart… it explodes of pain…. there are reasons physical, chemical, environmental, psychological, spiritual and emotional or perhaps the lighting was wrong… the reasons may or may not converge into you; they can cross you tangentially but you are there in the picture…

everything is not literal……

read without words, hear without speech……

only deal with it if it is WORTH it….

day before yesterday there was a flood of moths in our office… they were every where; pouring in from every slit and opening in the wall, roof…

blinded by love for light they were all over; on computer screens, light bulbs, lamps….

then the house keeping decided that they have had enough of moth dance, so they switched off all the lights and and switched on the insect flash; all of them rushed towards death, as this moment is & was the only purpose of living….

in seconds the whole expanse got covered by these martyrs of love… they had lived the purpose… to fuse into fire and die.. purpose of life and love was accomplished….

they rested in peace and were broomed off…

yesterday i got a kitten rather abducted it from fish market… a green eyed beauty… a friend wanted a pet cat for sometime so i’d enough motivation to commit the crime… i’ve done these kind of crimes before also… nth times… but that not the reason i’m writing….

i got the kitten… a friend named her Fish…

she slept like a log after i gave her bath… towards the morning i found her sleeping outside my womb… happy and warm… almost smiling or maybe i was imagining…in any case i cant see much without my glasses… but my soul saw it smiling in sleep, then it opened its eyes to see me and went back to sleep… i dont know when it moved out of my womb and started playing around… years back i lost a child… something had happened then… there has always been a desire to have a child… maybe its just a chemical combination in the body…. strange i’m still mourning….

i want to scream and cry…. expel the cyst from my soul….

pray for me……

as long as my memory takes me into history i’ve seen the three together hand in hand… the trio in union… maybe they are one….
what follows is an ode to a woman who has been waiting for a man called “Anurag” meaning love in some ways; funny i feel… she has been  waiting since last couple of years becoming mad and madder in love…. he is missing from her world as if he was never born….

he is walking some part of the earth, making art but my friend does not know about his whereabouts; only a select few know…. and they have chosen not to tell her anything as they think her madness has gone beyond the accepted norms….

“J” you are a brave woman to love someone like this…. but is it an escape… has it become an escape for you?

i know of a man who was my husband… i’d loved him like mad…. now i’m not with him and he has also become mad or has chosen to become mad…

there is a method in our madness; in all of us…

i’m again in love and getting scared of becoming mad but will love happen without madness… i doubt… its the eternal drug… the most potent of all…. the one which has and will go on destroying and creating in one action….

lets live and die…. all for love… in the name of love……

i’d met her years ago at a rehearsal in delhi… met her again in mumbai… we are friends now… gr8 friends… she is an actor… who is not getting to do what she wants to do, so these days she is contemplating to work in a BPO and earn…

what do i feel for her…

obviously sad… not b’coz she is my friend… i feel sorry for all those actors who come to mumbai thinking that they have what it takes be an actor… i’m not talking about people who are driven to the city by the enchanting paraphernalia of bollywood… i’m talking of people who take acting seriously and have devoted considerable part of their lives in learning the craft… so they come to mumbai and they realize that no one wants them b’coz there is always someone who is a favorite of the channel or the producer or the casting director… it seems that the whole city is running on favours…